I sometimes feel I have the great misfortune to be the owner of my brain. Over the years I have spent a lot of time trying to first figure out if something was wrong with me, then what, then why, then if I can fix it, if I even want to fix it. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 14, first for low self esteem and self harm, later anxiety, depression, now OCD and I only now am beginning to feel like I am starting to understand. Youper is an app I’ve mentioned previously and it is something I’ve used off and on to track symptoms and understand the factors that impact my mood. When I first started the app I filled out a survey that analyzed factors of my personality. I take this with a grain of salt, but it is interesting.
Personally, I think this is pretty accurate. I’m very introverted despite not being shy, my emotions are always at the surface and I’m very disorganized.
In addition to this analysis over the years Youper has helped me gain insight into the factors that affect my mood. For instance, I’m calm when I stick to a routine that involves yoga, meditation, exercise and solitude.
However, I become quite overwhelmed in situations where I’m quite busy with work or school, if I have a bad routine and if I am sedentary. Unfortunately this has been the last few months for me. Kids also make me overwhelmed at times, however, this is partially linked to me OCD and intrusive thoughts so it is not always the case. Also, when I am practicing the self care that are listed above, kids are much more enjoyable to be around and become a more positive part of my day. Though I’d be lying if they weren’t too much sometimes, I think any educator can say that.
My frustration over the years is in that while I can see these connection, I rarely act in ways that support those positive moods which fuels depressive episodes, which feed the bad habits and the cycle continues. This year I have been on a journey to explore all the factors in my brain be they anxiety/ocd, depression, the possibility that I have ADHD. Through this I have explore CBT and ERP therapy and for this inquiry I’m going to write down what I have learned and look into more sources to gain a deeper understanding beyond my own experience.