Category: Mental Health

Photo by David Garrison from Pexels

I was always an anxious kid who had a lot of trouble making decisions. Uncertainty was always the enemy. I can’t pinpoint when anxiety became more than minor generalized anxiety, or if I’ve had OCD symptoms since I was a child. More and more I think it is the latter.

There are a lot of misconceptions about OCD. Popular media portrays OCD as something quirky akin to perfectionism. Maybe a character likes order a lot, or washes their hands or has to count or tap something a certain number of times and those are certainly symptoms for some people with OCD but not all.

OCD is misunderstood, by the public but also by professionals. It is an anxiety disorder characterized by obsessive intrusive thoughts, and compulsive behaviours. The themes that an OCD sufferer can experience are basically endless but include among others.

• Contamination
• Health
• Suicide
• Harm/Violence
• Sexual
• Relationship

It takes the thing you care about the most and uses it against you.

Something that is brought up a lot in OCD forums are intrusive thoughts. Everybody has intrusive thoughts, you are standing at the top of a cliff and a little voice says “hey, what if you jumped” you hold a knife and think “what if I stabbed my hand.” You don’t want these things, and for most people the thought passes as just that, a weird thought. For someone with OCD sometimes these thoughts get stuck so “hey, what if you jumped” sparks “why would I think that? Am I suicidal? I think I really want to jump. I should leave right now. What would happen if I jumped? Am I going to jump.” Which is the start of the compulsive behaviours: rumination.

That’s another thing that people misunderstand, compulsions often aren’t visible to other people, they happen in our heads or in private.

• ruminating
• seeking reassurance
• checking how our bodies and mind feel in response to a thought/picture/video
• distraction
• thought blocking
• avoidance

All of these things are things that we are doing to reduce anxiety by either avoiding the problem or trying to be completely certain of the answer. And certainty doesn’t exist.

There are of course outwardly visible compulsions for some people as well. The classic organizing and hand washing. Checking way too many times that you REALLY locked the door. No one compulsion is common among all OCD sufferers and you don’t need to look like you have OCD to have it. Even professionals have a hard time getting it. Until an OCD sufferer sees a specialist they may be misdiagnosed and misunderstood which is especially scary for someone whose mind is trying to convince them that they are capable or harming someone else or themselves. For this reason many OCD sufferers suffer in silence too afraid to reach out for help because what if it isn’t OCD, what if it is true? OCD wants you to believe you are the bad thing.

What if? That is what it boils down to. Probability doesn’t mean anything to OCD if the what if is part of your theme, yeah you probably aren’t going to jump but what if you did? What if you want to?

The answer that we have to get used to giving OCD is So what? If we accept that yes, the thing is possible, we begin to take away the power. It is a part of Exposure Response Prevention which is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which is the only clinically proven therapy for OCD.

You expose yourself to your fear, real or imaginary, and stay with it until anxiety reduces without the use of compulsive coping behaviours. And it SUCKS. It goes against everything your mind is telling you. It feels like you are in danger, until it doesn’t and things can start to get a little better.

Recovery for OCD unfortunately doesn’t look like the elimination of the thoughts, they probably will always be there. It is the reduction of the fear and the behaviours and the ability to do the things that align with your values despite your brain trying to make you question whether those are even your values. And new themes can pop up, just because you get one under control doesn’t mean a new one won’t appear, and you’ll have to do the work again. Or you’ll experience a backdoor spike. A therapist tells you, yes, you probably have OCD and you start worrying what if I tricked him into thinking that?

For me, my recovery journey includes being an educator despite my brain trying to convince me I shoudn’t, but here I am, almost four years after my OCD really spiked or started and tried to ruin my life and if you told that version of me that I would be pushing through it. She would have told you it was impossible.

It’s still hard, but it’s so much better.

Below is a song I wrote this year shortly after beginning therapy for OCD.

(Photo is my results from psycom which is obviously NOT a diagnostic tool)

When we talk about ADHD we often picture a very hyper 8 year old boy, distracted in class and distracting in class. It was thought for a long time that ADHD was much more common in boys than it was in girls. However, that is not the case, it just manifests differently in boys than it does in girls.

This term, as I’ve explore my brain and my mental health. I’ve started wondering if I’ve had ADHD all my life, and I won’t lie, it was partially because of the TikTok algorithm that got me there, though someone with ADHD and my therapist also suggested it to me.

There are three “types” of ADHD Hyperactive ADHD and Inattentive ADHD, and combined. Women and girls tend to present with inattentive and it used to be known as ADD. The signs aren’t always obvious because those with inattentive ADHD aren’t usually disruptive, they may daydream, they may even be the teachers pet.

ADHD isn’t very well named. Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, firstly it caters to that first group, secondly, it is named after how it affects others, not how it affects the person who has it.

From the probable dozens of videos I’ve seen by creators with ADHD, a common theme is that they follow the dopamine and positive stimulation, and any task has the potential to produce dopamine, which explains why some children with ADHD don’t have trouble in school. Praise from teachers and parents provides the dopamine their brain needs.

From what I’ve watched, those with ADHD really experience two states. Executive dysfunction, and Hyperfixation.

Executive dysfunction is the inability to do a task because you don’t have the dopamine to get you to do it. You WANT to do the task but you don’t, you sit and worry about the fact that you are not doing the task. On the outside it looks like the person is lazy because how hard is it to clean your room, on the inside not so much.

Hyperfixaton is when someone has found something that is providing a ton of dopamine to their brain and therefore, for some time it is really all they want to do, think or talk about. For instance, playing a video game at all hours of the day despite knowing you need to do other things like study, shower or eat.

So really, if we were to rename ADHD it would be better called Executive Dysfunction Disorder.

If we break it down this is how we tend to recognize someone with Hyperactive ADHD or Inattentive ADHD. From ADDitude, a site with many professional resources to those dealing with ADHD in themselves or loved ones, those with Hyperactive ADHD may:

• fidget
• have trouble staying seated
• run and climb when inappropriate or feel restless
• be unable to play/engage quietly
• is unable to stay stull
• talks a lot
• interrupts
• has difficulty waiting their turn

Wheras those with Inattentive ADHD

• have trouble paying attention to small details
• gets distracted during tasks and activities
• doesn’t seem to be listening when spoken to
• Doesn’t follow instructions
• Has trouble finishing tasks
• Has trouble with organization of time and space
• Avoids tasks that require sustained mental effort/procrastination
• Loses things
• Easily distracted by external stimuli
• Forgetful

It all boils down in the end to stimulation and dopamine.

However, many people, even professionals still look at ADHD as primarily something that looks like Hyperactive ADHD, and if a student is doing well in school, it is unlikely they will get a diagnosis. Because of this many women don’t get diagnosed until adulthood, if ever. Thankfully with the internet and social media more and more people are able to realize that they may be more than lazy and disorganized.

So, why do I think it is possible I have it? I get distracted easily, I fidget and sway a lot, I often have to remind myself not to interrupt people, I lose my keys constantly, I procrastinate until the last possible second but do extremely well under pressure, I get obsessed with something for weeks and then don’t touch it again for months, housework is extremely hard for me to complete without some other kind of stimulation like Netflix or music (and that doesn’t always work).

I’m not saying I have it, and I’m not even saying I will ever get tested to see if I have it. I might just be lazy and disorganized and looking for an excuse, either way, I’ve made it this far and honestly it is the least of my worries, but it is interesting. Right now I am kind of operating under the assumption that I might have it, so I do some things that help me get along. I “body double” which means I work with someone over video call when I have to work on schoolwork and just having someone else in the space keeps me on task, I sometimes try to trick my brain with rewards and to-do lists that use my current fixation as motivation to get through the tasks (doesn’t always work), I put notes up to remind me to do things that I forget about like taking out the garbage and I use Routinery (when I remember) to keep to a structured routine that has me actually functioning like an adult.

So, while I doubt I’ll ever to much to address it, realizing this I believe will make me more aware of students in my class, and hopefully I won’t be the reason a girl is struggling silently and unnoticed.

I sometimes feel I have the great misfortune to be the owner of my brain. Over the years I have spent a lot of time trying to first figure out if something was wrong with me, then what, then why, then if I can fix it, if I even want to fix it. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 14, first for low self esteem and self harm, later anxiety, depression, now OCD and I only now am beginning to feel like I am starting to understand. Youper is an app I’ve mentioned previously and it is something I’ve used off and on to track symptoms and understand the factors that impact my mood. When I first started the app I filled out a survey that analyzed factors of my personality. I take this with a grain of salt, but it is interesting.

Personally, I think this is pretty accurate. I’m very introverted despite not being shy, my emotions are always at the surface and I’m very disorganized.

In addition to this analysis over the years Youper has helped me gain insight into the factors that affect my mood. For instance, I’m calm when I stick to a routine that involves yoga, meditation, exercise and solitude.

However, I become quite overwhelmed in situations where I’m quite busy with work or school, if I have a bad routine and if I am sedentary. Unfortunately this has been the last few months for me. Kids also make me overwhelmed at times, however, this is partially linked to me OCD and intrusive thoughts so it is not always the case. Also, when I am practicing the self care that are listed above, kids are much more enjoyable to be around and become a more positive part of my day. Though I’d be lying if they weren’t too much sometimes, I think any educator can say that.

My frustration over the years is in that while I can see these connection, I rarely act in ways that support those positive moods which fuels depressive episodes, which feed the bad habits and the cycle continues. This year I have been on a journey to explore all the factors in my brain be they anxiety/ocd, depression, the possibility that I have ADHD. Through this I have explore CBT and ERP therapy and for this inquiry I’m going to write down what I have learned and look into more sources to gain a deeper understanding beyond my own experience.